I'm not sure that this will all make perfect sense but writing often helps me sort out my own thoughts.
In February, we lost Ryan's grandmother. You had to know Ma to understand what this loss was like. She was so special to me. I called her my BF. She was one of the few who, I felt like understood me and my life. She had mothered 5 children and lived to tell about it. She was amazing about understanding what a day in life of a mom of many was like. She had this balance about understanding and not just sugarcoating motherhood. So often I've had people with 2 or 3 kids tell me what a joy motherhood always is and how they're never tired or fried. Those people and their comments caused me to often feel like there was something wrong with me, for at times feeling like I was barely staying above water. I would call Ma at like 10 pm knowing she'd still be up and after a hard day she'd have some funny story that would help me remember that it was all going to be ok. I remember after one rough day her telling me that she had once thrown two of the kids clothes out all over the front lawn cause they hadn't cleaned the room like she asked. She always reminded me that even though it may not be funny at the time there was something to laugh at. Ma lived a full life and there was great comfort in that, she was ok with going to heaven. It hurt and I miss her but it was a loss I could process.
Lesson learned- love like Ma. She never belittled my day, but she always made me laugh at my day. Please help others to always see the joy, but don't minimize someone else's experiences.
In July, I turned 30!!! And I also found out I was pregnant with number 8!!!! Well, thirty wasn't such a big deal. I had to face the fact that I hadn't accomplished all that I had planned to by 30! I still have a book that's not quite finished. I hadn't made my first million. I still have a lot to do! The pregnancy thing really sent me for a loop. I love babies, a lot. I love the cuddle time, I love the smell, I love the sweet reminder of the amazing potential contained in each little life. But honestly, I've always put quite a bit of pressure on myself when it comes to parenting. In my option, it's the most important job a person can have and there is no redo button. And at times that scares me. I want to make sure that I do it well, because these little people are going to create more little people and I want to leave a Godly legacy.
Lesson learned- there's no mistake that is too big for my God. I need to focus less on perfect parenting and more on loving God. As I fall more in love with Him, He'll be able to move and make the changes in me that need to happen.
In October, I received the worse call I've ever received. My BFF ( Shannon), was on the other line and I could barely understand her. I could make out that she was at the hospital with her oldest son, Christiano. Long story short, he was involved in a horrible accident and sustained injuries that claimed his life. He was only 18. The kids and I drove up and were there as fast as I could make it. I can not even describe the hurt and pain in my friend and her family. I was so glad to be able to be there through the services and do what I could to help, but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and it wasn't even my child. I still don't have all the answers I'd like. I feel like I have so little to offer, and that is why I haven't been writing. Everything seems so small in comparison to an early death.
Lesson learned - I need to be sure that I KNOW God's character and word fully. This world and the circumstances within it try to shape God for us, we can't allow that to happen. I also learned its ok to not know what to do or say and its better to say nothing than something stupid. It's in those moments that depending on His Spirit is enough. I saw so many well meaning people just say some stupid things. Telling a grieving parent that they are going to see their child again, is not always helpful. Let His spirit lead your words so that they are able to bring the healing you desire and not more hurt.
In November, we started bday season in our house. It felt weird to go back to normal when I got home from RI. My kids had birthdays and I felt like my heart was still in RI.
Our oldest turned 10!!! And although I was excited for her, the scary thought arose that my time to invest in her is limited. She is growing up. I was wondering if I have instilled enough in her? This question reminded me that I need to trust God more.
She went to her first concert, and she was just so excited. I was too! I love when I have the opportunity to watch anyone do what they were made to do. This artist is famous and has been around for years. His ability to influence others for Christ only came about from him allowing God to use him and being confident in WHO God was to him.
Lesson learned - embrace everyday. Live each day to the fullest and don't compare your walk or call to anyone else's. If you do, you'll miss the GREAT plans he has for you! We'll only be able to influence others for Christ, to the fullest, when we are comfortable in being who He made us to be.
In December, we had an opportunity to have our friends spend Christmas with us. We have only had one of my sisters here for one Christmas in the 3 years we've been here, so having company was super special. We were all excited to have the company, but it was hard because they were only coming here because of their son passing. They were coming here to do something different. We were so excited to have them, even if the circumstances weren't the best. I wanted so badly to make everything perfect, but I didn't know how. I couldn't give them the one thing they wanted, their son and brother back.
Lesson learned- sometimes just being there is all you can offer others who are hurting. It's ok to be honest and say you don't know why something's happen. It's ok to tell God you don't understand and it's ok to move forward with doubts or concerns. God can handle it all.
As I look forward to 2014, I am thankful for my God who is patient with me. His grace is enough for every situation I will face. I don't have to understand everything, I just need to trust the One who does. I need to run to Him with all my questions, all my doubts, all my concerns about the future, and not allow any situation to separate me from Him. He alone is my hope for the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment